Choosing Happiness

One of my favorite points in personal growth is the moment when I realize I have a choice in how I react to any particular situation. It often feels like there is no choice: an event happens and my feelings arise instantaneously. If someone insults me, what else could I feel but hurt and ticked off? However, there is a nanosecond before my feelings arise in which I can make a choice. I can choose to judge the event differently and thereby react differently. That moment--when I see a choice--is my favorite one. Even if I can't actually make a better choice right then, simply seeing there is a choice opens the door to emotional freedom and more happiness. I no longer feel at the mercy of my emotions.

For example, my grown daughter and I have developed a pattern over the years. She occasionally comes to me for advice when she has a problem. And I, of course, offer the perfect solution. She then tells me why that solution won't work. So I come up with perfect solution number two, and she tells me why that one won't work either. So, I think a moment and come up with solution number three. (I'm pretty good at this.) Then I hear how that won't work either. And so on. We both come away from the conversation feeling frustrated and irritated. I vow never again to give my unappreciative daughter advice--a vow that lasts until the next time she asks. It's a cycle that doesn't create happiness for either of us.

However, suddenly in the middle of yet another of these frustrating conversations I got it! I saw a choice! So, I immediately shut up. I rested a couple of beats, took a deep breath, and said, "You know Sweetie, I don't have an answer. That's really a challenging situation, but I know you're a capable, intelligent young woman and you'll be able to figure out a solution soon. I love you." After a stunned silence she replied, "Thanks, Mom. I needed to hear that. I love you too." End of conversation. Wow. What finally reached through my somewhat thick skull was that she really didn't want advice! She simply wanted to be reminded that she is loved and capable of developing her own solution. And she wanted this reassurance from someone she knows dearly loves her--Mom.

I must confess that to stick by this understanding each time my daughter asks for advice is a challenge for me, the fixer of the world. But when I do, it continues to transform these types of conversations into an exchange of love and happiness.